Relationships - Family

Relationships - Family» In Laws

Question:

I've been married twelve years and I'm still having problems with my mother-in-law. When she comes to my home, she feels that I should leave my bedroom so she can talk privately with my wife. They close the door to my bedroom and that makes me uncomfortable. I've explained to my wife that they need to discuss these things at dinner, not in my home where I feel put out.

Answered on 05/03/06:

You need to take charge of your home. Take charge of that situation and kindly ask that they refrain from doing that because you won’t have that in your home. Let them talk openly.

Anything hidden will come to light. What is there to hide? What is there that needs to be talked about privately with your wife outside of your involvement? All matters should be disclosed between a husband and a wife. If there are private things now, there will be worse private things later. I would steer away from that.

Question:

Answered on 05/03/06:

At the same time, you also have to be man enough to live your own life and not let others people’s criticism affect you. You live your life and let people treat you as they will. But you treat others the way you want to be treated and you’ll be blessed in the end. Let it go, forgive her, and then be cautious with how much time you spend around her.

Question:

Answered on 05/03/06:

You’re going to have to get a hold of this man and you’re going to have to say to him, “Listen, the Bible says when you get married, ‘you leave your father and mother and you cleave to your wife.’” Fundamental foundation of marriage. Genesis chapter 2. You leave your father and mother and you cleave to your wife. Your husband needs to leave his mother and cleave to you; leave Momma and cleave to wife. That’s the bottom line.

If he can’t do that, if he’s not man enough to stand up to his mother, then maybe you shouldn’t be with him. You know, I hate to put it that way but if the situation is as you say it is, if she is that domineering and that controlling, you really need to get some counseling right away.

Here’s what the Bible says to do, first go to him and talk to him about it, number one. If he doesn’t do anything about it, then, number two: take somebody with you. Get a pastor, an elder, a leader in your church who has responsibility and authority, get him involved and go to your husband. If he still doesn’t respond, the Bible says that you have no alternative but to go to your church and get your church’s help and say, “Look, please help me deal with my husband.” The current situation is not appropriate.

The husband and the wife are responsible for the marriage, the discipline of the children and where you go to church. You shouldn’t have to agree with your Mother-in-Law on everything or take her advice or you’re rejecting her. If she feels rejected, then reject her. And tell your husband that’s the way it’s going to be and there’s nothing else you can do about it. You didn’t marry your Mother-in-Law, you married this man. That’s the bottom line.

Question:

Answered on 05/03/06:

Don’t get married until you’re ready to move out of the house and be responsible on your own. Otherwise, you’re just grown up teenagers. You haven’t really grown up; you’re just teenagers that are in 20 or 30 year old bodies. You just need to grow up and take care of your own responsibilities and be able to provide for yourself and a family before you venture out into marriage.

One of the biggest problems in marriage is finances. So, get it together on the front end and you’ll reduce the opportunity for the devil to interfere with your marriage and the opportunity for you to have all sorts of problems by dealing with finances on the front end.

Relationships - Family» Parents

Question:

Answered on 05/03/06:

But after two or three or four phone calls or letters to that effect, you’ve got to let it go. You’ve now done everything that you can possibly do so the rest is up to him. You wash your hands of it. You have to move on with life and you have to find your identity in Jesus Christ so that you’re not suffering because of your father’s neglect and his emotional distance. You have to get that from God.

You have to pray for your father and hope that he comes to his senses. But you’re right on track. Don’t beat your head up against the wall; move on with your life and let him come to his senses through prayer.

Question:

Answered on 05/03/06:

Send her a card. Send her a note. Pray for her. That doesn’t mean you need to stay in or pursue an ongoing relationship with somebody who mocks you or somebody who persecutes you, but you do pray for them. You bless them. Send her a gift. Send her a card monthly or a couple times a year; whatever you can do to show her that you’re not holding anything against her.

You forgive her and bless her but that doesn’t mean that you have to be in perfect relationship with her if she’s not cooperating with that or she’s contributing to negative feelings and a negative atmosphere in the relationship.

Question:

My parents say they are Christian, but sometimes their behavior doesn’t show that. If I catch them using profanity around my children and I correct them, I get accused of being judgmental.

Answered on 05/03/06:

Tell your parents that the Bible says we are to watch over our hearts with all diligence and you are just trying to watch over the hearts of your children. Remember to stay humble and have an attitude of humility toward others. Sometimes it’s not just what you are saying but how you are saying it. So maybe you could say, “Mom and Dad, would you please not use profanity around me or my kids because it just doesn’t build us up?” They should be sensitive to that, and if they’re not, then maybe you shouldn’t hang around them as often.

Question:

Answered on 05/03/06:

I want to encourage you to do that; have a talk with your mother. Let her know that you respect her. Let her know you respect her intuition and her instinct and her love for you. But also let her know that you want to give this man a chance to prove that he’s changed four years after being in trouble with the law.

I know people that had been in trouble with the law who were saved and became changed by the power of God. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 5:17, “If any man is in Christ, he’s a new creature. The old things are passed away and all things have become new.”

You’ve got to make sure that you examine the fruit and make sure there’s fruit in his life and make sure that your mother’s comfortable with the fruit in his life as well. You are under your mother’s care, it sounds like, and so you do need to honor her in that way. Talk to her and you’re going to find that she’ll understand as well.

Question:

Answered on 05/03/06:

Here’s how you handle difficult people: pray for them; pray that God would bless them; pray that God would ease the pain in their life that is causing them to be difficult.

Number two, communicate with them. If it’s a father or a close relationship like that, sit down with them and say, “Listen, can we talk about how I can show you better respect? How can I demonstrate my love for you in a better manner? How can we get along better?” You know, you have to communicate.

So number one, pray. Number two, communicate. Number three, give a gift. Sow a gift into that person’s life. Sow a seed into that difficult person’s life. Whether that gift is a monetary gift or flowers or a tie or whatever, give them a gift. These are the things I would do with a difficult person.

Number four, the Bible says in Romans chapter 12, “As much as it has to do with you, be at peace with all men.” So, you need to be sure that you are at peace with him as much as you can control. You can’t control him but you can control yourself so that’s what you need to focus on. Control yourself. Deal with yourself. Don’t worry about controlling him or fixing him. Love him. Follow those steps though.

But those are the Scriptures that I would encourage you to follow. Pray according to Matthew chapter 5. Sit down and communicate according to Ephesians chapter 4. Sow a seed and be a blessing according to Proverbs chapter 11. The Bible says, “He who waters will himself be watered.” Then, number four; be at peace with all men as much as it has to do with you, Romans chapter 12. You have to make sure that your heart is right in the situation whether his heart is right or not, whether he does the right thing or not. You make sure you do as much as you can control and then cast the care of his attitude or his difficulty upon the Lord.

Question:

Answered on 05/03/06:

It’s not wrong for you to maintain a distant relationship with them if they are a hindrance to your walk with God. If the relationship has been broken over years, it will take a miracle for it to be repaired. And it’s not wrong to distance yourself from relatives when they try to control you or they try to maintain power over you or authority over you when, in fact, they don’t have it any more. It’s wrong for them to try to control you and if you feel that control from your father or your mother, then you should distance yourself.

If they ever say to you, “Look, we’re your parents and you need to honor us,” You say, “I honor you with prayer and I honor you with love. But I cannot be in a relationship with you because it doesn’t engender positive feelings for either of us and right now, until that changes, that’s the way it’s going to be.” If they want to get in a fight about it, you just graciously say “goodbye” and hang up and don’t engage in their manipulation.

Question:

Answered on 03/16/06:

So just because we grew up with somebody doesn’t mean that they understand the Word of God or have our best interest in mind. But you have to live by the Word of God; you have to stand on it. And James 1 says, “Count it all joy when you encounter these trials.” It talks about rejoicing when people persecute you, when people are against you. Consider it a joy and privilege that you are, in a way, able to suffer for the name of Jesus by being persecuted or mocked by your mother or your relatives.

Relationships - Family » Siblings

Question:

Answered on 05/03/06:

First of all, it is the will of God for everybody to have individual personal responsibility. We see in the Bible that we need to have personal responsibility and self government. Your sister should be responsible to get a job and work to take care of her own family.

If, for some reason, she’s sick or injured and she’s unable to work, that’s a different story. Then you need to have compassion on her and help provide for her. Loved ones should be able to help provide for people in situations like that.

If she’s capable of getting a job and she just is not being diligent to do so, then you need to give her a time limit. That is what you need to do next; give her a time limit, a move-out date. You need to be reasonable and fair about this. Let her know that within the next 30 to 60 days, whatever you’re comfortable with, she needs to be out on her own. If it were me, I would give her 30 days. Other people would rather be more generous and give them 60 days, but between 30 and 60 days.

Be definitive. Don’t say, “Well, somewhere between 30 and 60 days. Say, “On such and such a date, I need you to be out for the sake of peace among all of us and for your own well-being. You’ll be way better without me. You’ll be way better on your own.” We can’t create dependency like that. She needs to move out and you need to give her a date.

Question:

Answered on 05/03/06:

So you’ve got to be wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove, the Bible says. It says a soft answer turns away wrath, in Proverbs 15:1 &2. A soft answer turns away wrath. I tell you this, when it comes to communicating with relatives on matters of salvation and matters of importance such as living together and things like that, it really depends on the level of trust that they have in you and the level of openness in your relationship.

If there’s a habit and a pattern of open communication with your brothers, then I would pull them aside individually and sit down with them. Take them to lunch and say, “Let’s talk about our lives. Let’s talk about where we’re going in life.” But if there is not that already proven track record of credibility and trust, then you can’t mess with it. It’s like jumping into a hornet’s nest.

The Bible says in Proverbs 26:17, “Don’t grab a dog by its ears.” Meddling in somebody else’s affairs is like grabbing a dog by its ears. It’s going to bite. You have to know to what level you’re confident that they would receive what you have to say. And at that level and only to that level should you communicate with them.

They’ve heard the gospel; they’ve heard about Jesus. So you’re not responsible for them getting saved. They’re responsible now. They’ve heard about Jesus. They heard that He rose from the dead. They heard that they needed to receive Him; that He died for their sins. Now it’s up to them and the blood is on their head.

So, I would be gracious with them. I would be humble with them. I would look for an opportunity. Pray for a divine opportunity that they would soften their heart and come to you; that they would take the initiative. And when they do, that’s when I would talk to them with kindness and with hope that God has a greater purpose in their life than just them living together. But I would wait for them to come to you, unless you have this open fellowship and friendship with them where you can just go to them and talk to them about anything.

Don’t worry about it. You cast the care of that upon the Lord, because it’s not your job to institute morality in their lives. It’s their job to get it together. You’ve just got to be willing to back away and say, “You know what, I’ve prayed for them. I’ve shared my faith with them. Now it’s up to them and it’s up to God to reveal the truth to them and it’s up to them to respond to God.”

You've just got to cast the care upon the Lord and not lose sleep over it. Realize that they’re going to do what’s in their heart to do and you can’t control that.

Relationships - Family» General

Question:

Answered on 09/20/06:

Maybe you’re just not meeting women like that and maybe you need to checkout where you’re meeting women. What is the pool that you’re swimming in? Because you need to get in a better pool where there are women that fear God, that hate sin and that love the Lord with all their heart.

The fact that there are women that don’t have boundaries is not a sign that we are living in the last days. Yes, we are living in the last days, but the evidence that we are living in the last days is not because there are many women out there that don’t have boundaries. There are a lot of men out there that don’t have boundaries either. People have had this problem for years and years and years – men and women that didn’t have boundaries.

The ultimate question is what you as a man do about it. You need to rise up and be a man of God who holds up a high standard of morality and a high standard of integrity. That’s what God is looking for; men of integrity, men of honor, men of respect, men that are willing to have self-control and self-government and govern themselves even when nobody is looking. Character is what you do and how you act when nobody is looking. We need to be men who are willing to be examples in these last days of men of stature, men of valor, men of honor, men of integrity and men who restore masculinity to the body of Christ.

I believe that masculinity has been stripped from America and stripped from the body of Christ. It’s hard to understand what a real man is any more and we need to identify that. We have a great teaching called “Biblical Manhood,” and you can go to the Online Bookstore section of our website and get that teaching. I strongly urge you to get that teaching. It’ll really minister to you and help you.

What do you look for in a woman? You look for a woman who fears the Lord. Proverbs 31 says that “A woman who fears the Lord, she is to be praised. Charm is deceitful, beauty is vain, but a woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” That’s what you should look for in a woman and that’s what you should be trying to go after.

Also, get involved in a singles ministry at church because it’s healthy and wholesome. It is not full of lust where people are just going after one another’s flesh. It is a place where people can truly build godly relationships. That doesn’t mean that just because you go to our church that everybody’s going to live right. There may be people in this church that don’t have boundaries also, but at least it’s a good pool to start swimming in. And don’t take that literally, but follow the principle there.

Question:

How would you discipline nieces and nephews when they are at your house?

Answered on 05/03/06:

The key to raising kids is to not let them off the hook. Don’t excuse or rescue children from the consequences of their behavior, or the consequences of their bad decisions, because you’re only going to cripple them in the end.

So with other people’s kids, make some rules, establish some consequences, and get the approval of the parents to be able to enforce those consequences. If you’re ever going to physically spank a child, get the approval of the parent, if it’s a relative. I wouldn’t encourage you to ever do that with friends. But if it’s a relative and they want you to spank their child on their behalf, then get their approval.

I would get it in writing because you don’t want your nephew suing you, saying “My Auntie, hit me and I’ve got all these bruises.” You wouldn’t think that stuff like happens, but it does. So rules, consequences, the enforcement of those consequences, and get agreement with the parents that they’re going to enforce it the same way.

Question:

Answered on 05/03/06:

Don’t feel like you’ve got to carry the burden of guilt because Jesus has paid the price for your guilt and you’ve done what you could do for him. Now you need to put it over into the hands of the people who are skilled to minister to him. Guilt is from the devil. If there’s something that you know that you could do for him, then do it. But don’t live in guilt.

Life’s too short and if he really could give you the honest answer, he would tell you, “Please don’t feel guilty for me. Live your life.” Live your life for him. Let him live a life through you by living your life to the full; serving God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength.

Question:

Answered on 04/28/06:

It’s not unmanly to realize that we have weaknesses and that we have temptations that we all deal with in life. What makes a man is that he recognizes his weaknesses, recognizes his shortcomings, recognizes where he could be tempted and makes up his mind to live by the Word of God. It’s not how we feel.

The problem is that we have a lot of men that live based on their feelings and not based on the Word of God and based on principles. So we’ve got to get away from that Peter Pan spirit; men that don’t want to grow up, men that don’t want to be responsible, that don’t want to provide for their household, men that don’t want to get a second job if they have to.

You ladies out there, stop giving it all away for free. Stop letting a man have everything that you have and giving your body to these guys thinking that that’s the only way they’ll love you. If that’s the only way they’ll love you, they’ll never love you because there’s no honor in that. Stop crippling these men.

Women, listen to me. Say no, say no, say no, say no, say no. Put a price tag on you and the price tag is they will have to marry you and they will have to have some money in the bank. Let them know they have to have their own apartment, their own refrigerator with their own food in it, their own CDs on the living room table because they are not going to listen to your CDs, eat your food, drive your car and live in your apartment.

Ladies, listen to what I am saying to you right now. You be tough and be bold and stop giving in to these wimpy, weak, sissified, Peter Pan men and then you’ll see some men rise up when you carry yourself with dignity as well.