Marriage

Marriage » Church Attendance

Question:

Answered on 04/13/06:

In Acts 5, they said, “You need to obey us” and Peter said, “We need to obey God and not man.” That doesn’t mean that we should be defying man, and we should be rebellious against man’s authority. It means when push comes to shove, if God’s saying one thing and a man is saying something else, we need to go with God.

Now when it comes to going to church, you know, you want to come to this church and your husband prefers your old church, somehow you’ve got to come up with a compromise that is going to benefit everybody and not create division and strife in your home. Because the Bible says when “two of you agree about anything they ask, it shall be done for them.” And so, God wants you to come into agreement.

I’ve seen people, where one spouse goes to one and another spouse goes to another, and I’ve seen that work fine. And they get along and they have great relationship, it’s successful. I mean, it’s three or four hours a week where you’re apart from one another.

But you have to value the same things. That’s the most important thing. You have to value God’s Word as final authority in your life. You have to value your fellowship with God. You have to value prayer. You have to value reading the Bible. You have to value tithing and honoring God, putting him first in your money. If you both agree about that, it’s not a problem if you go to two different churches.

But if those two different church's teaching are so diametrically opposed to one another, then you’ve got to decide where you’re going to go. But ask your husband if you can continue to go to the church that you want to go to, and if he wants to continue to go to the church he wants to go to, that’s okay.

And also, because churches have so many different services—for example, our church has five services a week, actually six, five or six services a week—and with that in mind, why not go with your husband, if you want to go with him, and then come to one of our services as well? Maybe his church has many services, so he could go to one of the services there and then come to one of the services here with you.

It’s important that married couples go together to church. I think that I would value that. I think you value that, so maybe you can go with him to his service and then come for a service here once a week, or twice a week, or vise versa. But one way or another, I think there’s a way to compromise that, and without you missing out on what God has for you in the church that you believe He’s leading you to. So that’s what I would do. And I would encourage you to do likewise.

Question:

Answered on 04/13/06:

But, I understand what you are saying. Because if you want to live by the Bible and you want the Bible preached to you and be taught the Word of God and have people that are like-minded, you aren’t going to find that in the Catholic church just like I personally am not going to find that in the Catholic church.

So I would continue to attend the Catholic Church with my spouse. But I would then also attend, maybe on Sunday or Wednesday evenings, another church that is a Bible-teaching church. I’m sure that your husband would respect that you have a need for something more than what the Catholic Church is offering. And you’re not opposing the Catholic Church. You simply want to go beyond that and do more than just that. That’s where I would start. Then I would find that place and get plugged in at the services that are not at the same time as the one that you’re going to with your husband.

And then let him see the change. Let him see the joy in your life. Let him see the fruit of the Word of God in your life. Let him experience and see for himself how powerful it really is by seeing your life change and seeing you fed and happy and ministered to. And then, God will work on pulling him into it as well. That’s where I would start.

Marriage » Deception

Question:

Answered on 04/26/06:

Question:

Answered on 04/26/06:

Question:

Answered on 04/26/06:

The devil is the father of lies. When you basically live a lie by treating your marriage, and communicating to your husband, as if you’ve never committed adultery, you have to restore the trust. And you have to afford him the option to move on with his life if he chooses to do that. Anything other than that is propping up the relationship under a false foundation and you don’t need to be doing that. You need to go to him with the truth and give him an opportunity to forgive you.

I know men who have withheld the truth from their wives because they think that they would have had hell to pay if they confessed. I’d rather pay the hell now then to put up with the deception that will grow in my heart, the mistrust that will grow in my heart and the seed of mistrust that I’m sowing into my spouse’s heart. I would never want to live with that for years and years to come.

When we’ve seen this kind of confession happen in our congregation, we don’t mind having a counselor there so that it is done softly, gently, and in the right manner. You do it however the Lord leads you to do it. But regardless you have to give him the freedom to make up his own mind and not withhold that from him because it will only hurt you later.

Question:

Answered on 04/26/06:

I have had people say, “Well I have cheated on my wife and I ended that relationship but I have not told my wife. Is it ok to let sleeping dogs lie?” No because those sleeping dogs are going to wake up and bite you in the butt one day.

So what you need to do is get with a counselor in a controlled environment and talk to you spouse about some of the things you have done that have wronged him or her. Why should we be people who live a lie then have to live in that guilt for years and years of our lives?

I know people who think they are happily married but they have a past that is haunting them and they are afraid to tell their husband or their wife because of what they might do to them or that they may leave them. Why should you be imprisoning your husband or wife by your deception? Give them that freedom. They should have the right to leave you if you have done something that merits them leaving. You are manipulating them by not telling them the truth. We always need to be telling them the truth. And of course speaking the truth in love and doing it in the right fashion and manner.

Marriage » Financial Conflict

Question:

Answered on 04/26/06:

Here again, it boils down to this Scripture in Amos 3:3, “How can two walk together unless they are in agreement?” How can two walk together unless they are in agreement? In other words, the key to any marriage is there has to be agreement between the two parties. There has to be an understanding.

That’s why I believe that before people even get married, they should make a list of all the things that are important issues to them and make sure they’re in agreement about those things. And if they’re not in agreement about those things, they need to identify how they will deal with those items that they’re not in agreement about. If you fail to do that, you will fail.

Marriages fail because people get into the marriage based on their emotion, based on the fact that they’re attracted to one another, based on the fact that they can’t wait to be with one another. And what they do is they fail to truly identify the areas of life where they need to be in agreement about. And those areas where they need to be in agreement about are three major areas: communication, sex and money; not necessarily in that order, but all of them are vitally important.

We need to be in agreement about how we’re going to communicate, what we’re going to communicate about and how we’re going to resolve conflict in our communication. We need to agree on how we’re going to deal with communication when it gets to the point where we don’t feel like there’s a solution. Are we going to get a counselor? Are we going to be open to marriage counseling if we need it? Are we going to read books? What are we going to do? That’s communication. We need to be in agreement about that.

Number two, we need to be in agreement about sex. What do we believe about sex? How often are we committed to being involved sexually? Are we going to make sure that we live holy and pure and not involve ourselves in pornography and different things like that, which is a must. It’s an essential ingredient of a healthy marriage to not be involved in pornography or sex outside of marriage. But what do we believe about sex? What are our boundaries inside the marriage? The Bible says in Hebrews 13, “Let the marriage bed be undefiled.” We need to make sure that we have a marriage bed that is undefiled; undefiled by immorality, adultery, undefiled by forcing one another to do something that one of the two parties is not comfortable with or does not feel good about. And so there has to be agreement in the area of sex.

The third area where we need to be in agreement in is in the area of money. What do we believe about money? What is the purpose of money? What kind of ambitions do we have financially? Are we going to honor God and put Him first in our money? How are we going to manage our money? Are we going to save a certain percentage? We start by giving God the first tenth. Then we give God offerings. Then we save and we pay our bills.

A lot of times people say, “I can’t afford to tithe because there’s just not enough money.” But what you’re really saying is, you’re spending more money that you should be spending because it’s not up to us on whether we can afford to tithe. We can’t afford not to tithe. Because that’s God’s money. That would be like saying, “We can’t afford to pay the mortgage.” Then you need to downsize. Or, “We can’t afford this car.” Well, then you need change something. You can’t just say, “Well, I can’t have transportation anymore.”

We’ve got to honor God, to put God first. To just say, “Well, I can’t tithe…” No, you need to make adjustments somewhere else. You have to live somewhere, so you have to pay rent. You have to drive something or take a bus or a train, so you have to have money for transportation. And you have to honor God. You’ve got to put Him first and couples need to be in agreement about that. And they need to be in agreement about how they’re going to manage their money and how they’re going to deal with the issues at hand.

So, get a plan. Write out your essentials. Then have him write out his essentials and make sure that you’re in agreement about those things that are essential. And then in the non-essential things, have liberty. In the essentials let there be unity. But in all things, let there be charity which is love. It sounds like it’s not just a money issue for you, but it’s also a communication issue. I encourage all couples to deal with communication, sex and money.

Question:

Answered on 04/26/06:

Things need to be put in order so that you can have the peace and confidence to know that your husband is taking the responsibility. The Bible says in 1 Timothy chapter 3 and chapter 4 that if a man does not provide for his own household, he is worse than an unbeliever; he’s worse than a sinner. He’s not just as bad as a sinner, he’s worse than a sinner, the Bible says.

So, I really believe that you need some counseling right away and the two of you need to sit down and be open. You need to be able to share your feelings openly and he needs to be able to give you the confidence that he’s going to do what it takes to be the breadwinner so that your money can be a supplement to his. He needs to take charge. Even if you make more than him, he still needs to take charge and be responsible.

He needs to understand that it’s not because you don’t love him or care about him but it’s because your heart needs to be protected from becoming bitter towards him. You need some counseling and you need to have somebody objective to be able to say to your husband, “This is going to make your wife bitter. You have to do something about it before she eventually wants to leave you.”

Question:

I am the sole support in my house. I am the spiritual leader in my house. My husband is a non-believer and an alcoholic and he has been out of work for the last three years and I’m doing everything. He is a very proud man and he will not go and get just any job; he has to wait for like the perfect one. And I am just running out of patience. I just don’t know what to do. He’s a laborer, he’s union, and he’ll only take a union job.

Answered on 04/13/06:

And I hate to be so blunt and frank with people about this, but I would do everything I could, if I were you, do everything I could to get him into some counseling. Say, “Look, we need marriage counseling, because we have a problem. I’m providing and you’re not. Whether you are a Christian or not, it’s irrelevant. The point is that you have a responsibility to provide for your wife and your family, for your children. And the union’s not doing that. And you’ve done this for three years, and I can’t take it any more.” That is how I would approach a conversation about counseling.

Then the next step would be to say to him, “You know what? If you’re not open to any counseling, if you’re not open to getting a job, then I have to take matters into my own hands, and I have to get some counseling, and I have to do it myself, and I’ve got to provide for my children, and I will just take care of them myself. And you can go live in an apartment or live with your mother or do whatever you have to do until you get your act together, or we’ll go live somewhere else until you get it together.” You have to be willing to do that.

He’s got three strikes against him right now. He’s an alcoholic, he’s an unbeliever, and he’s not willing to provide for his household. That’s unacceptable. And you need to let him know that. And you need to move out or send him out until he gets his act together. That’s what I would do. Even if he were a Christian, he’s an alcoholic, he won’t get a job, and he won’t provide for his family. That’s like having another child. That’s like having an infant. And I’m sure that doesn’t make your life any easier.

You need to move on and tell him, “Look, I love you and I’ll be here for you, but, you know, you can’t live this way—you can’t be a freeloader.” And that’s what he’s doing. There’s nothing wrong with that. 1 Timothy 5 says if a man does not provide for his household, he’s worse than an unbeliever. I feel for you, and I feel for your children. You’re doing a good job taking care of them; you just shouldn’t have to take care of your husband as well. He should provide for himself and get his act together.

Marriage » Roles Of Spouses

Question:

Answered on 04/13/06:

Question:

Answered on 04/13/06:

So if you’ve been standing on the Word of God and believing God and praying for your husband, I believe that he can come around. I do think that the way marriage works most successfully is when you go into a marriage and you have a series of agreements that both parties believe in and commit themselves to. Amos 3:3 says, “How can two walk together unless they’re in agreement?”

You guys got into the marriage, got into the relationship and made some agreements, but you fell apart somewhere along the line. Time passed and so what you need to do now is have a “Come to Jesus” kind of a meeting with him. Say, “Look, we need to talk about how we’re going to agree because we have to be in agreement about how we’re going to live our lives and how we’re going to raise our family.” And there are some things you can agree to disagree about, but as far as carrying the load of responsibility, he’s going to have to come into agreement with that again.

If over time, the agreements are not being kept, then that’s where you have to go back and say, “alright, the basis for our relationship is going to be the series of agreements that we make, whether it was two years ago or whether it’s today, the basis of our relationship is going to be the series of agreements that we make.”

Now you need to go back to him. You need to establish those agreements again and put them on paper. And you need to say, “Now here’s what we’re going to do, here’s where we’re going to agree, let’s talk about this. Let’s agree about these things” and then if he agrees to agree with those things, then you say, “Now, if for some reason one of us breaks this agreement and we don’t follow through with it, that’s when we’re going to bring a moderator in, somebody to help, a counselor or somebody who can help us live by these agreements and hold us accountable, whether that’s somebody in church, whether that’s a professional counselor, but somebody that will hold us accountable to those agreements.”

And then, if he’s not willing to do that, then you have to take it to the next level. And that is, “Look, if we can’t agree, then how can two walk together?” Amos 3:3. How can two walk together unless they’re in agreement? Look up that Scripture. Try that. Put it on paper. If both people agree about it, both people sign it. Marriage is the most powerful contract that people can make and yet we don’t hold it nearly as valuable as we hold a real estate contract. When somebody doesn’t follow the terms of that real estate contract, we take them to court. They need to follow those terms. You need to make him follow the terms that you guys agree about.

Question:

Answered on 04/13/06:

But, if he’s not leading your home in the Word of God and being the one who’s taking the initiative, then by all means, you need to do that. Just like if a man wasn’t taking the initiative to provide for your household, you would have to do that. At that point, I would definitely not stay with a man if he was not providing for your household the basic needs that you have for food, for shelter, for clothing, for heat and all that. If he’s not providing those basic needs for you and your family, then you shouldn’t stay in a situation like that.

But, when he’s not providing the lead spiritually, I think that you have the capacity to go ahead and do that without violating anything in the Bible. It would be better if he did lead you spiritually, but if he doesn’t, you still need to grow spiritually, so take charge of that until he steps up and does so.

If he’s willing to follow, it’s not wrong until he becomes the leader. It’s wrong to try to persuade him if he’s resistant, but if he’s open to talking about it, by all means, talk to him and pray for him. Be humble, be submissive, but by all means, talk to him if he’s willing to talk about it. If he’s not, then don’t try to force it.

Question:

Answered on 04/13/06:

Then secondly, get some tapes, get some counseling, get some books on marriage. We’ve got tapes on “Building Your Marriage God’s Way” and “How to Have Successful Relationships.” And talk to her. Say, “Hey look, let’s identify what are biblical roles of a husband, what are the biblical roles of a wife and let’s make sure we are lining up our lives with what God’s Word says.” You do that with gentleness, with kindness, and then you get counseling if there is still no progress there. Those are the steps that you would take. But it starts with taking the log out of your own eye first.

Question:

Answered on 04/13/06:

In other words, we’re to be an example of God’s love towards her. And be patient and kind and loving, according to 1 Corinthians 13, all of those things that are in the Scripture. And the reason why it says that a wife is to submit to her husband as unto the Lord is because the number one thing that a man needs in a relationship is respect. And so, not that a woman doesn’t need respect, and not that a man doesn’t need love, but God knows better than we know. And He speaks to issues that will address the deeper needs that people have. And a man needs to demonstrate love because his tendency is to love himself and his tendency is to love football and his tendency is to love his buddies and his tendency is to love food and his tendency is to love making money at his job.

And so God is saying, “Look, I know your tendencies and so I’m redirecting them, so you know to focus on loving your wife like Christ loves the church.” And a woman has a tendency to feel insecure sometimes, so she doesn’t want to submit to somebody. She wants to submit to her feelings and submit to whatever she’s going through at that time. God wants her to know how to submit and learn how to submit to her husband. But it’s really unto the Lord. She’s demonstrating her submission to God by submitting to her husband.

And really, the Bible says we’re to submit one to another. So there is a focus on a man loving his wife like Christ loves the church, and there is a focus on a woman submitting to her husband as unto the Lord. I hope that helps clarify that for you.

Marriage » Separated

Question:

Answered on 06/28/06:

And so, the thing that you do in a situation like that is to pray. You pray that God would soften his heart. You pray that God would put in his heart the love that he had for you once before. God is able to do that. He is faithful and He is well able to do that. You need a miracle in this situation and you need to ask God for a miracle.

In the meantime, you need to identify what were the things that he loved most about you when he was in love with you. What were the things that he loved about you? Was it your hair? Was it your perfume? Was it how you dressed? Was it how you took care of yourself? Maybe you’re not taking care of yourself anymore. Go back to how you took care of yourself then. Six years is not that long. You can’t be that much older. You can’t be much different of a person. Even though I’m sure you’ve improved, you can’t be that different of a person that he wouldn’t love the person that he once did. Maybe you have to look at “What are the things that he loved about you at that time?” and then try to recapture those.

Also, get counseling. People should never end a marriage without seeking godly counseling and godly help so that they can do everything that they know to do. You have to do everything that you can to make peace with this man. You have to do everything in your power.

In the end, you won’t be able to control him, you won’t be able to make him love you, but you have to do everything you can so that you’re not the reason why he doesn’t want to stay married to you. Let it be because of him, not because of you. So what do you do? You identify what you did and what he loved about you in the past. Try to recapture that. You pray for him. Pray that God will move on his heart. And you get counseling.

Those are the three things that you can do. And continue to be kind to him because the soft answer turns away wrath. So you have to make sure that when you speak to him, it’s with softness and kindness and that you’re trying to meet his felt needs. He has needs – not just sexually, but emotionally and he’s got an ego. And you need to try to identify what it is that builds him up and you might find that he really will fall in love with you again.

Question:

Answered on 04/13/06:

So, what you should do now is pray for him, turn him over into the hands of God and at some point, have a moment of communication with him where you can sit down and say, “Alright, do you have any interest? I want to work this relationship out. I want to make it work. I want to fix it. I want us to get where we need to get. Are you open to doing that in any way?” And you put the ball back in his court. And if he responds positively, get into a good counseling program at your church. And if he responds negatively as he has already up to this point, then get on with God’s will for your life and move on.

Don’t feel guilty that you’re not doing enough because if you’re doing everything that you can do, you can’t control him. So, release it into the hands of God. Cast the care of it on the Lord and everything’s going to be alright.

Question:

Answered on 04/13/06:

Question:

Answered on 04/13/06:

You’ve got to take a clue, take a hint from it. It’s not even a subtle hint; it’s very obvious that this man is selfish and wants to live his own life his own way and doesn’t want to be with you, so why would you want to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with you? And why would anybody want to be with somebody who doesn’t really want to be with them?

You know, yes, God hates divorce. But we have to be a little more open-minded and realistic about God’s Word, and realize that God’s Word doesn’t say that the only case for divorce is adultery. He said He granted people a certificate of divorce because of a hardness of heart. If somebody was lying continually and they never committed adultery, but I couldn’t trust them, I wouldn’t stay with them. I would be happy to stand before God and say, “Look, Lord, I couldn’t stay with this person, because they lied to me and I could never know when they were telling the truth and I could never trust them about anything.”

You see, a relationship has got be built on trust. And if you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything in that relationship. And, girl, you don’t have trust because that guy has already lied and gone behind your back and he’s probably cheated on you behind your back and he’s probably been with other women—who knows? But you can’t trust him and you can’t live with somebody that you can’t trust. Cut the strings. Move on with your life.

You’re not doing anything wrong in God’s eyes. You need to move on. It’s him that’s left you. You haven’t divorced him. You haven’t left him. He’s left you. Get out of that situation and move forward with your life. And everything is going to be all right. Put your trust in God. Don’t be downcast. I think you’re putting too much confidence in him, and I think you’re looking at him. He’s got way more value in your mind than he needs to because he’s not worth holding on to. He’s a liar and a thief—he’s stolen from you, taken from you, taken advantage of you. Don’t give in to that; you’re too valuable and too precious for that. You’re too valuable and you’re too precious to be giving yourself to a guy who’s not faithful, who’s not loyal, and who can’t be trusted. I wouldn’t advise you to stay in a relationship like that.

The truth will make us free. Jesus said it. “You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.” Yield to the truth. Don’t hold on to your feelings. Don’t hold on to your opinions that are not in alignment with God’s Word. Sometimes we just want to protect our feelings when what we need to do is to follow God’s way. “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Do things God’s way. And all these things will be added to you.

I strongly encourage you to stop being co-dependent. We’ve got to stop thinking that a man or a woman is going to satisfy us. They never will. They never can. You can be with the greatest men and greatest women in this world; you can be with all the most beautiful women or with the richest men in the world, and you’ll never be satisfied until Jesus Christ fills your heart up. He’s the only source of true satisfaction.

Marriage » Unequally Yoked

Question:

Answered on 04/14/06:

So you have to recognize that confusion and problems are in your life because of decisions that you made that were contrary to God’s way of doing things and contrary to God’s Word. 2 Corinthians 6 says, “Do not be yoked together with an unbeliever.” Now you’re in that situation. How do you live with this man? Well, he’s got to respect your faith and if he doesn’t, then you probably are not going to get along. Either he needs to come to Jesus himself, or if he’s not going to be saved, but he respects your faith and respects your convictions and respects your life, then you’ll be able to live with him.

However, if he doesn’t respect those things, you need to plan on your exit strategy from that relationship, because you’re never going to make it if he doesn’t respect you, and respect God and respect your relationship with God. How can you be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t respect your faith and your convictions? You can’t be. But get counsel before you leave him or divorce him. Get some counseling to see if you can get to that place where he can respect your faith and your convictions. That’s your first step before you just leave him.

Question:

I have a question about the verse that talks about the unbelieving spouse who is sanctified by her husband and then goes on to talk about their children. Can you help me understand that?

Answered on 04/14/06:

So we need to use that Scripture as a promise from God’s Word. We need to say, “Lord, you know that I’m married to an unbelieving person and I’m believing for him to be saved. But in the meantime, I thank you that my faith is sanctifying this relationship and that my children are affected positively by this marriage.”

We’ve got to realize that divorce is not the first option we should turn to. Oftentimes, we are looking for rules in the Bible and wondering, “Does God permit me to get divorced in this situation?” God is trying to tell us here that if you are married to an unbeliever, have hope. Things can change. If you are a believer married to an unbeliever, how much more possible is it for things to turn around! If you are discouraged in your marriage, take heart! God can turn that relationship around starting today.

Question:

Answered on 04/14/06:

So, number one, follow the leading of God in your heart. God is leading you to a closer relationship with Him and you need to respond to that because that is the higher calling. It’s a higher calling than your marriage. It’s a higher calling than happiness on this earth. It’s a higher calling than anything that this world or this earth has to offer. Follow that calling. And pursue God, pursue Christianity, pursue the Bible, pursue a close walk with God and an intimate fellowship with God. That’s step one. Out of that intimate fellowship with God, you’re going to find that you’re going to be able to love your husband even more. You’re going to find that you’re going to be able to please your husband more because you’re pleasing God.

The problem in most marriages is that neither party has an intimate fellowship with God. There are a lot of people that go to churches, they go to Christian churches, Protestant churches, Catholic churches, you name it. But yet, their walk with God is not intimate. It’s not close. They’re not honest with God. They’re not talking to Him or receiving from Him. They’re not having fellowship or intimacy with God. And any intimacy with anybody else begins with intimacy with God. And so, number one, pursue that.

Number two, let your husband have some time and some grace. God’s been gracious with you because you haven’t really pursued deeply the things of God until recently and now, you are and you want to follow the Lord. You had to come to that. Nobody brought you to that. Your husband didn’t bring you to that. Your relatives didn’t bring you to that. God spoke to you. God put it on your heart. He started to draw you and you started to respond.

And realize that it’s going to take the same thing for God to draw your husband as well. That God will have to touch him, that God will have to speak to him. If you try to push him towards that, then he’ll go in the other direction most likely. So, let him come to his own epiphany. Let him come to his own revelation.

And I think you’ll find less pressure in your relationship and you pursue Christianity in the way that you’re pursuing it and if he wants to go with you, great. If he doesn’t, no problem. Put no pressure on him, but let him see the fruit. Let him see the benefit in your life and you’ll find that that’ll do more than anything you could say to him and more than anything that you could prove to him.

I also want to give you a Scripture. In 1 Peter chapter 3, the Bible says to wives, “Wives if you’re obedient to the Lord, but your husbands are disobedient, you can win your husband through your chaste and respectful behavior, through your love, through your honor, through your respect. And it will win your husband from a position of disobedience to God and it will bring him into a place of obedience.” You can look that up when you get a chance. I really encourage you to look at that, to pray over that. And you’ll find some great peace and comfort there as well. People that don’t have common denominators in their marriages, God can do miracles in their lives. Don’t underestimate the power of God. Don’t underestimate what God can do.

Question:

Answered on 04/14/06:

That’s why the Bible says don’t marry an unbeliever. That’s why the Bible says we’re not to be in a relationship with an unbeliever. And we certainly shouldn’t be married to someone who persecutes us for reading our Bible, or criticizes us for reading our Bible. It sounds like you’ve done everything that you can do. You’ve prayed for this man and encouraged counseling for your marriage. You need to let him know that your relationship with God is the most important relationship in this world. But it wasn’t meant to divide you from him. There’s nothing that he should feel jealous about. Your relationship with God is what you were created to have. God created you to have a relationship with Him.

So I would encourage you to take one more stab at it. Let him know, “Look, my life changed. God is in me, but that doesn’t mean that I’m better than you. That doesn’t mean I’m more important than you. That doesn’t mean you’re bad. It just means that Jesus Christ came into my life as my Lord and Savior and that’s one non-negotiable in my life. And I need you to understand that. And I need to know why that bothers you, why that upsets you. Let’s talk about that. Let’s get some help. Let’s work this relationship out.”

Appeal to him once more and that way, do the best you possibly do. And if he refuses and you get to the bottom of it, and he just doesn’t want anything to do with God, he doesn’t want anything to do with the things that you believe, then you might have to move on from that relationship. Take your best stab at it one more time.

Question:

Answered on 04/14/06:

“Love endures long,” 1 Corinthians 13:1 says, “and is patient and kind.” And so you’ve just got to endure long. But you’ve got to detach yourself from needing him to change. And then start somewhere with him. Start praying for him, and say, “Would you be open to praying for just sixty seconds a day with me, where we can just pray together?”

And start with something small like that. You might find that he’s really open to that. And you might find that there are some baby steps that will help him get to where you want him to be spiritually. But sometimes, if you’re dominating, domineering or demanding it of him…

So, I would say, “If we’re going to work through this, we’ve got to have a common denominator spiritually. And in order for us to work through this marriage and not get divorced, we’re going to have to get both of ourselves in agreement with our spiritual vision and spiritual direction for our lives.” And that should be done with the guidance of a good, godly, spiritual counselor.

And if your husband is open to that, then I think that somebody can help guide you guys into that spiritual restoration and maturity together. But if he’s not open to that, then it is a lost cause, and you need to turn it over to the Lord, and let God deal with him and move on with your life.

But first I would make every attempt to tell him, “Look, you betrayed my trust, now all I ask is that you don’t betray the Lord’s trust. Become a strong Christian with me, and let’s move forward with God together.”

And if he’s not willing to do that, then he’s cheated on you already, he’s betrayed your trust, and he doesn’t want to do anything to restore that trust—so you need to move on. Time doesn’t heal things. You have to restore the trust that’s been broken. Alright, that’s what I would encourage you to do. Have a serious talk with him, get some counseling right away, and God bless you.

Question:

Answered on 04/13/06:

So by all means, marriage is hard enough when two people are Christians; it’s challenging enough when two people are believers. It is going to add even more problems and more trouble if one of the parties is not a Christian and not a follower of Jesus Christ.

So I advise people not to do that. It’s unscriptural. And when we do things God’s way, it brings blessings; when we do things outside of God’s way of doing things, it brings a lot of problems.

Marriage » General

Question:

Answered on 07/19/06:

And it’s not just “we liked each other, we loved each other.” No, there are root reasons why you didn’t have self-control, why you didn’t honor each other, why you didn’t protect each other’s integrity and reputation. There are reasons why you did that and you need to identify what those reasons are and fix those things in your life and the other person fix those things in his or her life and then you can have a successful marriage as long as you build your lives and build your marriage upon the principles of God’s Word.

If you never had sex before marriage, and if you never lived together before marriage, that’s not a guarantee that you’re going to have a successful marriage. The guarantee of having a successful marriage is doing things God’s way. If you do things God’s way, then you are going to get God’s results.

Question:

Answered on 05/03/06:

Why should a woman get married? The Bible says, “Better it is to marry than to burn with passion.” When you are filled with desire and filled with passion and the desire to be intimate with someone you should express that only in holy matrimony. It is not just a piece of paper; it is a commitment. It is making a commitment to someone and saying I am willing to commit myself you. But I am not giving myself to you until I commit myself to you and you commit yourself to me.

Question:

Answered on 05/03/06:

Don’t get married until you’re ready to move out of the house and be responsible on your own. Otherwise, you’re just grown up teenagers. You haven’t really grown up; you’re just teenagers that are in 20 or 30 year old bodies. You just need to grow up and take care of your own responsibilities and be able to provide for yourself and a family before you venture out into marriage.

One of the biggest problems in marriage is finances. So, get it together on the front end and you’ll reduce the opportunity for the devil to interfere with your marriage and the opportunity for you to have all sorts of problems by dealing with finances on the front end.

Question:

Answered on 04/26/06:

Now, having said that, obviously, that doesn’t apply to your situation. So, I believe that people should not wait until a situation is dangerous before they get counseling. I believe that in your case, since it is a pattern that keeps occurring, you should get counseling right away. You should start calling around tomorrow for the right counselors instead of waiting any longer.

I think that people who have good marriages should not be ashamed to get marriage counseling as well to tune up their marriage. Some people think they have good marriages only to find out they really don't when something tragic or something dramatic happens. I highly encourage people to get counseling once a year who don’t even have marriage problems. That would be my recommendation.

So get marriage counseling right away. Call some people tomorrow. I don’t believe you should get secular marriage counseling. I believe you should get Christian marriage counseling from a Christian marriage counselor who is equipped and very knowledgeable about the mind, the soul, the heart and the spirit, not just the spirit. Because you don’t live with your husband who’s just a spirit. He has a body and he has a soul. And you need somebody that understands the spirit, soul and body. So good Christian psychologists are the place to start your search.

Question:

Answered on 04/26/06:

It’s inappropriate for him to be in relationship with a woman, period, besides his wife and his daughters and his mother. What kind of involvement he should have with his mother should be very limited because a man should leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife according to Genesis chapter 2. If he’s supposed to leave his father and mother, how much more should he be leaving his ex-girlfriend to cleave to his wife?

Absolutely, unequivocally, no, no, no. If he wants to have a relationship with his ex-girlfriend and comfort and encourage her, then you need to be his ex-wife. That’s what I would encourage you to do. You do not need to be married to a man who wants to maintain that relationship because he think he’s the one who can save this girl from her situation.

Question:

Answered on 04/14/06:

So you’ve got to sit down and you have to talk about, “Let’s agree, because a relationship is built on trust and it’s built on agreements that are made between a husband and a wife.” What you need to do is say, “alright, let’s remember that the most important thing that we do as a couple is that we be in agreement. Because Amos 3:3 says, “how can two walk together unless they’re in agreement?”

And what I do is I encourage people to break down their agreements or break down what they believe into two categories; the essentials and the non-essentials. So you need to make a list of what are the essential things that you really need to have in your life and in your marriage and in your belief system and what are the non-essentials? For example, an essential is in my house, one essential is we’re never going to cheat on each other. Another essential: we’re going to live for God, no matter what. Another essential: we’re going to tithe ten percent of everything that we ever have come to us; it is going to go to God. That’s an essential that my wife and I are in agreement about. So we have a list of essentials.

And then there are non-essentials like do we let our kids watch “Blues Clues?” Do we let our kids watch “That’s’ so Raven” or the Disney channel or something like that. Well, there are some non-essentials there. It is essential that they don’t watch sexual scenes in movies or TV or anything like that. Those are essentials. But then there are non-essentials like is it okay to watch this. Or it is okay for them to eat this kind of food or that kind of food, but it’s not okay for them to drink alcohol. It’s not okay for this; it’s not okay for that. There are essentials and non-essentials.

Sit down with your wife and establish what your essentials are and what her essentials are and then find agreement in the essentials and in the non-essentials, make sure you have liberty and grace towards one another. Talk to her about essentials. If one of your essentials is we don’t want to follow Halloween and celebrate that kind of evil night, then that’s what you have to work through with her. And if she’s not willing to do that, then you guys should sit and get some counseling.

So you guys should have a talk about that but in the context of the essentials and the non-essentials, not in the context of making that the central issue. The central issue is we need to be in agreement to have a successful marriage.

Question:

Answered on 04/14/06:

And if they don’t want help, then there’s not much somebody can do. And why should they stay connected to a person who’s yielded themselves to the devil through drugs and through alcoholism? That’s just not something that I find. I don’t find that God is a cruel God who would require people to stay in situations like that. But first you have to do everything you can to try to work it out with that person and after you’ve exhausted every opportunity to get that person the help that they need, then you can move on from that relationship.

Question:

Answered on 04/14/06:

So, yes, she needs to be able to have the freedom to move on with her life if he’s more married to drugs that he is to her. She’s got to release him. You’ve got to encourage her.

She’s right that she needs to take on whatever God brings to her. But God didn’t put those drugs in that man’s life, the devil did. And therefore, she’s no longer responsible for something that he has yielded to the devil.

Drugs are dangerous. Drugs kill. Drugs destroy. What kind of environment is that to raise children in? Absolutely not. My advice to her would be move on with your life as a Christian. Let him know you love him and you’ll always be there for him and you’ll always be supportive of him, you’ll always pray for him and you’ll always welcome him back if he truly wants to get help, but if he doesn’t want to get help, she’s got to move on. She’s got to be bold.

Question:

Answered on 04/14/06:

And so, I think what you’ve got to do with your wife is you need to sit down with her and say, “Let’s come into agreement about things. If you have a higher standard than I do on what our children eat, then let me defer to your standard. If I have a higher standard on who they hang around, then you defer to my standard. If you have a higher standard on what kind of movies to watch, then let me defer to your standard.” In other words, what you guys need to come into agreement about is which ever one of you has a higher standard, that’s the one that you should stick with. Don’t go with the lower, go with the higher one.

Again, I think you need to sit down with her and you need to figure out where in you marriage she started to question her ability to trust you because this is the root of the problem is that there is a lack of trust there. And because there’s a lack of trust, anything you do that’s good or anything you do that’s right is still going to be met with that mistrust. So what you’ve got to do is put that individual situation aside a minute and say, “You know, what I really discovered is that I’ve done something to hurt you to cause you to not be able to trust my leadership and I want to heal that and I want to apologize for that. Can we talk about that?” And she’s going to open up.

When you talk to your wife with tenderness and compassion like that, she’ll open up and talk to you. And if you do that with kindness and love and she still is not open, then I think that you need to take it to the next level and look into some marriage counseling. Because it’s not an issue of TV, really. It’s an issue of trust. And somewhere in your marriage, she feels like you’ve betrayed her trust or she feels like she has a hard time trusting you. And you need to get to the root of that.

Question:

Answered on 03/09/06:

You just have to find a balance. The Bible says that marriage is a union in which two become one. There is a sense of teamwork and unity, and each person has a role. Amos 3:3 says, “How can two walk together unless they are in agreement?” That’s the most important thing to have in your marriage – agreement and trust. So don’t try to find verses in Scripture where you can defend yourself against your husband. Rather, talk prayerfully about the Word of God with your husband. Talk about God’s vision for you marriage and family – and then to come into agreement.

I don’t like for my wife to be away all the time. We have four children, and she does work – alongside of me. But sometimes her responsibilities take her away from me, and I have to accept that. She has to feel that she has individuality, an individual identity before the Lord, but not one that comes at the expense of neglecting her husband and family. I also have to give; I have to make sure that I am loving her as Christ loves the Church. I need to be generous in letting her fulfill her individuality just as just as Jesus lets the Church fulfill its individuality.

Question:

Answered on 03/09/06:

So, a husband a wife should be in agreement about where they’re going in life. They should be in agreement about what they believe about God. They should be in agreement about how much they value the Word of God. They should be in agreement about how they’re going to handle their finances. And they should be in agreement about how they’re going to raise their kids. They should be in agreement about how they’re going to serve God. And part of that is being in the right church. Part of that is being connected spiritually. So it’s ideal for two people in a marriage to go to the same church, but there’s nothing in the Bible that says they have to. You would think if you’re going in the same direction, that you would want to go to the same church.

But people come from different backgrounds, people get married at different stages and different phases in their life, and so people are in situations like that and it’s a question that needs to be addressed. And I know people who have gone to different churches that stayed happily married, both serving God, both love the Lord, but they were going to different churches because they had a different area where they wanted to serve, or different flavor that they particularly liked.

But you can also, because many churches have multiple services. You can go to church with your husband and you can then go to one of the other services at the church that you want to go to. That way you can do both. Honor your husband in that way, and also be fed the way you want to be fed. Now if he’s going to a church that’s preaching against Christianity, and against the Bible, then by all means, you need to look elsewhere. You need to definitely tell him, “Look, I love you, but I can’t go there, where they’re not preaching the truth, where they’re teaching something that’s contrary to the Word of God.”

Marriage » Interracial

Question:

Answered on 09/21/06:

Question:

Answered on 09/21/06:

In other words, there are only two races in the world and that is the race of believers and the race of unbelievers. The Bible says that a believer should not be married to an unbeliever and so, in that sense, that is why I said no. I want to shock people with that answer. God is against people being married to someone who is not equally yoked to them. He is not against people that are different colors different races different ethnic groups absolutely not a problem.

As far as God is concerned, He said that He has broken down the wall that is separating races and separating colors and separating cultures. That is in Ephesians chapter 2. But God warns us not to be married to someone who is not a believer. Obviously, that is the first order of business. And you have to make sure that you are compatible with that person emotionally and spiritually. And then it really is irrelevant what color you are.

In the Bible, clearly, God was not against it. I mean, Moses was married to a woman who was considered Black. Moses was considered Jewish or white, and he was married to a woman who was considered Black. So God was not against that. Now, Miriam did not like it, but that did not matter. God did not mind it at all.

Does God believe in interracial marriage? No. He does not, but He does not consider Black and White or Hispanic or Puerto Rican. He does not consider those to be interracial. He considers the two races in this world to be the race of those that believe and the race of those do not believe. So in that sense, no, it is not appropriate for interracial marriage.

But in the truest sense of what people really mean when they ask the question; is it okay for people of different colors to be married? Of course. That is how we all got to the color we are at. Someone somewhere was of a different race. People that think is it okay for White to marry Black, that is like saying is it okay for Italian to marry French. How different is that? It is the same question really. But we do not ever think that an Italian person marrying a French person is wrong. But we think that a Black person marrying a White person is wrong. Well, that is just a stigma that society has because it is just foolishness; it has nothing to do with God being against it.

Marriage » Multiple Spouses

Question:

Answered on 10/20/06:

That doesn’t mean that he’s never been married before for, perhaps, somebody who’s been through a divorce and they had a rough background and they got saved and they started to serve God. You can’t think that just because you’ve had a divorce in the past that you can’t be married again in the future. But the point is that he needs to be the husband of one wife. That means one wife at a time. And why is that? Because it’s hard enough to be married to one person and learn how to live an unselfish life and learn how to give. And marriage is to give, it’s not to take. And in those Old Testament men’s lives, they weren’t treating marriage as an institution to give; they were treating it as something for them to take. And they were Old Testament men meaning they weren’t born again people, they weren’t saved, they didn’t have a new spirit. There was no way that they could be restrained in their bodies from multiple partners.

But in the New Testament, when we’re born again as new creatures in Christ, we do have the ability to restrain ourselves. I’m living proof. I’m a Middle Eastern man, a hot-blooded Middle Eastern man who has every reason to, if I was not saved, to have the same desires that Middle Eastern David and Middle Eastern Solomon had to have multiple spouses and multiple concubines. But I’m living proof that as a born-again Christian, I’ve been with one woman and one woman only and that woman is sitting across the table from me right now and she has been satisfying to me. Apparently, they didn’t read Proverbs chapter 5… Well, one of them did, because one of them wrote it. And I think Solomon later understood the heartache from so many relationships and that’s why he said that you should enjoy the wife of your youth. You should be a one-woman man. And her body should satisfy you at all times. And that’s even what Solomon wrote.

So the Bible does address it. I Timothy chapter 3, chapter 4. 2 Timothy as well. And Jesus said from the beginning that a man should leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife – singular. Not cleave to his “wives.” So it’s clear. They were in sin. Yes, it may have been considered marriage at that time, but it’s not God’s will any more. It wasn’t God’s will then, but God tolerated it I believe. But it’s not God’s will for us to have more than one wife according to I Timothy and according to Jesus.