Divorce

Divorce » Remarriage

Question:

Answered on 07/03/06:

Just because she has been divorced is not the reason to blame the problems in your marriage. You have to take responsibility for why you have the problems in your marriage. Identify what are the root causes to the problems in your marriage. What are the things you keep bumping up against and find the biblical solutions to those problems. Then you will have a successful marriage. Her divorce is a thing of the past. Don’t use her past to be the prophecy of your future. Use her past to learn. You can go to our website at changinglives.org and get some marriage tapes that will help you to learn what it takes to have a successful marriage.

Question:

Answered on 04/14/06:

What you have to do is identify what the problems were in your life that contributed to that divorce and then decide if you have successfully identified those issues and resolved those issues in your life, so that you’re not contributing to another divorce. And if you haven’t identified those things and resolved those things, then don’t go back into a marriage relationship until you have.

As far as where to have the wedding, well, there are some churches that it can’t be in. But again the focus needs to be on identifying and resolving whatever contributed to the divorce in the past.

Now remember, if you were divorced before you were a Christian, the Bible says, 2 Corinthians 5:17 says that if any man’s in Christ he’s a new creature. The old things are passed away. You have a brand new beginning. And you should realize that that marriage, as far as God’s concerned, is washed away. But if you were a Christian and you got a divorce, then you need to evaluate what caused you to have that divorce, what contributed to it on your end, and then make sure you resolve those weaknesses in your life so you don’t have the same problem. But getting married in a church, there’s nothing wrong with that, if you’ve had a divorce in the past.

Question:

Answered on 04/13/06:

Now, having said that, what we need to realize is many people in the Bible days, when the Bible was written, were actually divorcing somebody with the intent to marry somebody else. Well, that’s the same as just committing adultery while you’re married to somebody else. “I’m going to divorce you because I’m tired of you but I really am in love with this other person.” Well, that’s a wrong reason to be divorced, and a wrong reason to be remarried, and that is what God was saying was considered adultery.

Question:

Answered on 04/07/06:

As studies show, they wanted to divorce a woman and then be able to marry somebody else when they were done with the woman that they were married to. And Jesus was saying, if you do that, you are committing adultery. He was not saying that in all cases that divorce is committing adultery or if you marry a divorced woman, you’re committing adultery. He was addressing people who marry somebody who divorced somebody else for the purpose of being with them instead, which is what people do often. Their reason for getting a divorce is not because they can’t work out their marriage; it’s because they’re tired of being unselfish so they’re going to go ahead and be selfish, end that marriage and go on to somebody else. And that is adultery, and that is committing adultery, and marrying somebody who does that is committing adultery.

So the fact is, He was talking to those people in that context. Now He says in 2 Corinthians 5:17, “If any man be in Christ,” which these people were not, but “if any man be in Christ, He is a new creature and the old things are passed away.” So God forgives divorce and God delivers us from the experiences of divorce. What we need to know is if you’re considering marrying somebody who is divorced, you need to know that the Bible does not say that you’re committing adultery. The Bible says you’re committing adultery if you marry somebody who left somebody else for the purpose to be married to you because the adultery had already started in their heart.

Let me also add this, if somebody has been divorced, here’s what I would do. I would identify why they got a divorce. What was the cause of the divorce and did they fix in their life what was wrong in their life that contributed to the divorce so that the pattern doesn’t continue?

This is a hot topic, a touchy topic. And it could be perceived to some who would listen to me over and over again that I may be lenient concerning the issue or subject of divorce, which I am not lenient. But for those that might think that we’re liberal where it comes to that subject, let me make it very clear that God hates divorce, number one.

But number two, God hates abuse and God hates people being taken advantage of and God hates people not being provided for. When a woman has trusted a man to take care of her and he doesn’t go to work and he’s not willing to pay the bills, these are things that we have to be aware of that God does not love. Just because he hates divorce doesn’t mean He loves abuse and He lets a man abuse a woman and says “well, he hasn’t committed adultery, so she doesn’t have the right to leave him.” No, God hates divorce, but He hates the mistreatment of one another also. So if somebody continues to mistreat you, divorce isn’t the first option, but getting counseling is.

And then if you got counseling and there still is not a change, then consider a separation from that person. A separation with strict rules of “Here’s what has to happen in your life; here’s what has to happen in my life and we’re going to have an outside party, a third party tell us whether we were successful or not at changing these things.,” A separation like that can do a service to your marriage and help you be restored.

The Bible says “If a brother sins against you, go to him. If he still doesn’t repent, take somebody with you. If he still doesn’t repent, take him to the church. If he still doesn’t repent, then cast him out.” So there is a process there with a biblical principal.

You go to your husband or wife, try to work it out. If you can’t get it worked out, then take somebody with you; get some counseling. If you still can’t get it worked out, then take it before the elders of your church. Get some counsel spiritually as well as in the natural where marriage is concerned. Still can’t get it worked out? Then separate from that person with strict rules and oversight and then, hopefully it’ll get worked out through the separation process because of the seriousness of it. And if it does, then you’ve won that marriage. And if it doesn’t, you’ve done everything you could and exhausted every avenue to heal that marriage and restore that trust and if it can’t be restored after that, then and only then, should divorced be considered.

Usually when people are calling me about divorce, it’s already gone past all of those points. They’ve already gone and exhausted every opportunity every possibility and that’s why it may come across as if I’m giving them the green light. God is the only one that can give you the green light. I can’t give you the green light to get married and I can’t give you the green light to get divorced. But God’s Word is merciful and God’s Word is clear and God gives everybody a way out of a situation that is evil and that is not going to be productive or helpful.

Question:

Answered on 03/16/06:

But people make mistakes, people fall, people stumble, people make bad decisions in life. If any man is in Christ, he is a new creature. So if their divorce was before they were a new creature in Christ, it’s as if it never happened. If it was after they were a new creature in Christ, you need to identify why they had a divorce, what were the things that contributed to the divorce, and what convinces you that those same factors that contributed to this person’s previous divorce won’t again contribute to a bad relationship with you? Once that’s identified and evaluated, then you should get some premarriage counseling, and some pre-pre-marriage counseling and determine whether it’s even worth it to even pursue a relationship with this person.

Question:

Answered on 03/16/06:

Question:

Answered on 03/16/06:

So, I don’t think that Jesus made a statement that rules out any exceptions or rules out any situations that may exist out there that don’t fall into the category that you’re talking about. But let’s give you some examples. When Jesus was saying to the people that if you marry somebody who is divorced, you’re committing adultery. He’s talking about people that would actually get divorced in order to be remarried. They already knew; they got a divorce for the purpose of marrying somebody else, and He’s saying that’s committing adultery. If somebody has left their husband or wife without a biblical reason to leave them, then marrying that person is committing adultery.

But there are several biblical reasons to leave somebody. One of them is in the case of adultery. When somebody has cheated on a spouse, that spouse that’s been cheated on has every right to leave. If they can be reconciled, that’s God’s will; that’s God’s best if they can be reconciled. But that’s not always possible for them to be reconciled.

Also, the Bible says if a man doesn’t provide for his household, he’s worse than an unbeliever. So if a man is not taking care of his family, neglecting his family, neglecting his wife, neglecting his children, spiritually, emotionally, financially, and that woman leaves him, that woman should not be penalized to never be married again if that’s God’s will. And it’s not necessarily God’s will for her to ever be married again. But if it’s His will and if it’s her will after leaving a man like that, then I believe that God has grace and God has mercy and God permits that. Again, you have to evaluate the situation for what it is. Why was this person divorced? Were they the cause of the divorce? Clearly, it’s never just one person who’s the cause of any divorce in most cases. You have to evaluate it, you have to look at it, you have to decide, “Okay, is this person who I’m considering marrying somebody who could cause the same problems in my marriage as they did in the previous marriage or marriages that they were in? And if so, then you really need to be careful and stay away from getting married to somebody like that.

My advice to you would be get some marriage counseling and really walk through these things and really find out what this woman contributed to a poor relationship with her previous spouse so that she doesn’t repeat that history in your life. You can’t automatically rule that person out just because they’re divorced. They shouldn’t have leprosy just because they’re divorced. Each situation needs to be evaluated. What reason would I have an exception for this case or for this situation? And you need to do that with and open mind, with an opened Bible and with open counseling with godly people that can walk you through this as well.

Divorce » Custody

Question:

Answered on 02/23/06:

Question:

Answered on 02/23/06:

Divorce » Moving on Afterward

Question:

Answered on 03/20/06:

But where do you go from here is the real question. The Bible says in Psalm 11:3, “If the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?” In other words, even if you are saved, you are not going to be successful in your Christian life if you don’t have a firm foundation. You could have a building that has all the greatest furniture and all the most beautiful lighting and the most beautiful decorations, but if that building does not have a firm foundation, then nothing is going to help that thing stand.

How do you build that foundation? First, you need to have a daily time with God, to pray and to read His Word. Second, you need a church home where you grow and be in relationship with people of faith who can help you through the rough times. You can’t do this alone, but you alone can make the first step. I urge you to do that.

Divorce » Reasons for it

Question:

What’s the difference between fornication and adultery? Do those terms refer to physical acts, not a “lusting in your heart” type of act, between a spouse and someone other than who they are married to? If a person does do something along those lines, could a marriage be so damaged that God allows for a divorce?

Answered on 04/12/06:

Jesus went one step further with these issues. He said, “Even if you look at a woman and you lust for her, you’ve already committed adultery in your heart.” So in a sense, everybody has committed that form of adultery. You might say. “And that’s why we need the blood of Jesus to forgive us and to cleanse us.”

Jesus absolutely allowed for divorces. That’s why the Scripture allows for that in 1 Corinthians 7 and Matthew 19. Moses even allowed for it back in the Old Testament. However, the only marriage that is beyond repair is one where there’s hardness of heart.

In other words, adultery itself is repairable. If somebody has committed adultery, you can recover from that. But the actual hardening of your heart that comes – and the betrayal of trust that comes – from that adultery is a much more difficult hill to climb than just forgiving the adultery itself.

Forgiveness has to be given – period. The blood of Jesus forgives us, so we have to forgive others whether or not they are sorry. But often trust has been betrayed and hardness of heart has taken root. Those are the things that you have to address and decide whether you can overcome.

I’m obviously not endorsing divorce, but after you’ve exhausted every other measure and every other way to reconcile that relationship, then obviously it is permissible in the Word of God.

Question:

Answered on 04/11/06:

So, no, he’s not broken the covenant with you. The only time that he would break his covenant with you is if he divorced you in his heart first and then legally. Legal is just the paperwork that catches up with what people have already done in their heart. So, it doesn’t sound to me, from what you’ve said, that he has not done that. It sounds to me like he has an emotional crisis in his life, an emotional problem and weakness in his life, and he needs to continue to get counseling to overcome the problem with lust that he has. That’s what he needs. He needs mercy and he needs help with the area of lust in his life. He needs tough love sometimes with that, but he needs a plan of how to break free from lust. That’s number one.

Number two, what are my thoughts on what Jesus meant when He said that if a man lusts after a woman in his heart, he’s already committed adultery. I believe what that means is if that man is fantasizing about that woman and allows that fantasy to play in his mind and to occupy his mind, then he has committed adultery in his heart. But I don’t believe that if a man recognizes that a woman is beautiful that he’s committed adultery in his heart. I don’t believe that. I don’t believe that lust and recognition are the same thing. I believe that lust means that you are going to do whatever you can do to have that thing or to have that and to fantasize about that and to roll that over in your heart and mind continually. Then yes, there is adultery that is taking place.

But it is in the heart. And Jesus was simply internalizing the gospel and saying, “Look, what’s in our heart is what matters more than just what we do on the outside because what we do on the inside is eventually going to show up on the outside.” He was trying to get people to realize that Christianity is a heart issue, not just a behavior issue. And that’s why the focus was on the heart.

But I’m not excusing your husband at all. I’m not saying pornography isn’t lust and it isn’t sin – it is. It’s wrong and he needs to break free from it, but he needs counseling to break free from it. Again, I don’t know enough about your situation, so I don’t want you to just take my word as the only word, but compare it to the Word of God. If your husband wants to stay with you and wants to work it out and wants to deal with the problems in his life, then he hasn’t broken his marriage covenant to you.

If your husband is caught up in pornography and refuses to change and he’s not adhering to the counsel that’s being given to him and he’s not following the counsel that’s being given to him, you don’t need to subject yourself to that. I would consider a time of separation if it’s at that point – and I can’t read your mind or read your heart. But I know that a lot of people think that “the only way I can get out of this marriage is if he committed adultery against me or if she has committed adultery against me.” And if the marriage is that bad where you have to find a reason like that, then obviously there are worse problems in a marriage sometimes and we need to address those problems and see if those can be fixed. See if you can find it in your heart to truly love your husband again. And if you can, then praise God. And if you can’t, then God would understand that and He is a merciful God and He is the God of second chances.

I’m not encouraging you to do that. I’m just saying that God would understand that if it comes to that. But you should go through intense counseling before it would have to come to that. I understand the pain that you must feel and we want to help you and God wants to help you. You don’t have to make your husband out to be the bad guy for you to get the healing that you need in your heart. And God will heal you. If God can heal inside the marriage, He will and if he has to take you out of the marriage to heal you, He will because God loves the people in a marriage more than He loves the institution of the marriage. He loves the institution of the marriage, but He loves the people more and He loves you more.

Question:

Answered on 04/05/06:

But that begs the question of whether adultery is truly a biblical grounds for divorce. And I would say that, according to Jesus, it could be interpreted that way. However, if we look at the whole context of what Jesus said, it’s not adultery that becomes the grounds for divorce; it’s the hardness of heart in the husband or wife who’s been cheated on. It’s the hardness of heart that will determine whether they should get divorced. Can their hearts be softened? Is this relationship salvageable to the point where her heart can be softened toward him and his heart can be softened toward her?

The real issue in divorce was pinpointed by Jesus when he said, “Moses gave you a certificate of divorce because of the hardness of your heart.” God can forgive adultery, but can you? If you can forgive and the other person is truly wanting to change and is willing to go through the process of restoration, then adultery should not be the grounds for divorce. But if your heart has become so hardened toward this person and you don’t see hope that it could be softened, then by all means you should be divorced.

So, while Jesus did equate lust with committing adultery, in and of itself, adultery should not be the reason for divorce. Because if you are not willing to forgive, chances are there’s a problem on your part. But if he continues and you go to get counseling and he will not change, then there’s hardness of heart on his part. He’s unwilling to change! In which case, it may not be your hardness of heart that’s an issue; you may have a soft heart and be willing to forgive him. But you may be confronted by an unwillingness to change. And that’s more grounds for divorce, from what I read in the Bible, than the actual adultery itself.

The same applies to pornography. It’s that same hardness of heart. The sin can be forgiven. The blood of Jesus cleanses all of us from sin. The real issue is whether the person wants to change and go through the necessary process to show the fruit of repentance. If so, his heart is softening, and that should give you reason to soften yours. But if he’s addicted and not willing to change and get help, then his heart is hard, and you can’t stay in a relationship with somebody like that.

Question:

Answered on 04/04/06:

Again, this all stems from being in a relationship with someone you shouldn’t have been in with in the first place. So why compound the problem by staying in a relationship with someone that you shouldn’t have been in a relationship to begin with? Had you sought God’s direction, you wouldn’t have married that person to begin with. Had you done things God’s way, you wouldn’t have married that person to begin with, so don’t stay in the prison of an abusive relationship in order to try to honor marriage, when really you didn’t honor God to begin with because you didn’t follow His way of identifying what is a healthy relationship and what is not.

Question:

Answered on 03/21/06:

If it is abuse, I do not see God prohibiting people from divorce in Scripture if they are in an unsafe situation. God told us to guard over our hearts and to be responsible for our families and ourselves. If you are in a dangerous situation and you need to leave that dangerous situation, God will not frown on you. God does frown on divorce for selfish reasons. If you are getting a divorce because you don’t want to learn to love, you don’t want to learn to forgive, you have a hard heart, you don’t want to work it out . . . those are the things that God was warning against divorce. He wants married couples to work it out, to walk in love, and to learn to forgive.

Question:

Answered on 03/20/06:

Well, I say this to you, sometimes we go into a relationship for the wrong reason to begin with. And to punish ourselves for the rest of our lives, and to stay in that bad relationship just because we made the wrong decision in getting into it is not necessarily God’s way of doing things. It’s sort of cruel to ourselves, and it’s inflicting more pain and more tragedy in our lives to stay in a situation like that.

What I would do is I would take one more stab at it. I would say to him, “Listen, let’s agree together that we’re going to really make this relationship work. Let’s agree on some counseling. Let’s agree on some boundaries. Let’s agree on here’s how we’re going to communicate with each other, and if we’re going to yell and scream and push, then that’s out of bounds and if we do that towards one another, then it’s time to move on from this relationship.” Because if you can’t resolve your conflicts verbally, with kindness and with sitting down and trying get things worked out or through counseling, then there’s no sense in staying in a relationship that is not going anywhere.

I don’t encourage divorce. I don’t believe that it’s the best option. But in some cases, somebody is just not willing to resolve anything. And unresolved conflict can sometimes be more damaging to your life than getting a divorce. So, by all means, I would take one more stab at it. I would lay out the ground rules. I would say, “Here’s how we’ve got to be. Here’s what it’s got to be like. We’ve got to get some counseling. We’ve got to be willing to live by these boundaries,” and then proceed from there. That’s what I would do in taking the first step,which may be the last step. And then move on your own, if you have to. If you sincerely can’t live with this man, and if he’s sincerely a threat to you, you need to get on with your life without him. But start by seeing if he’ll do whatever it takes to get it worked out.

Question:

Answered on 03/16/06:

Now having said that, God honors making and keeping that commitment of marriage. But, there are times when somebody has cheated on their spouse, there are times when somebody is abusive to that spouse, manipulating them all the time, can’t control their anger. If somebody can’t control themselves, then it is hard to live in a situation like that when you are subject to fear and threat of what this person might do to you or themselves or the children. So, there are cases where you need to protect yourself and make sure you don’t put yourself in an environment that is threatening to your health and well-being.

As far as any circumstances, no, you should try and be at peace with all men, especially if you are married to that person, do whatever you can to make the marriage work. Get Christian marital books about it, Christian counseling and a good Christian church where you have a pastor that is teaching the Word of God where you both are in agreement. If you are not willing to do those things, divorce is inevitable. If he or she is not willing to deal with those problems, then you may consider the alternatives of separating or divorce.

Question:
If a spouse leaves the house, due to an addiction, is it ok for the one remaining at the house to pursue a divorce?

Answered on 03/16/06:

Now, should you try to seek reconciliation? Yes, as much as it has to do with you, try to seek that. But if that person is not interested, you need to move on with your life, and be better at making life decisions. Be better at making those decisions and not get into a relationship with somebody that you know is prone to addictions or not living a godly life and has a pattern and a history of living a godly life.

Many of the questions on marriage problems we get are the result of them not doing their homework before they entered into that relationship and not knowing what to look for in a relationship and now you’re paying the price for not doing your homework. Now don’t do that again. If you get out of this relationship, make sure you do your homework next time you get into a relationship. Don’t be swept away by the passion of the moment, or the emotions, or that that person makes you feel good, because you’ve got to feel good about yourself before anybody else helps.

Divorce » Reconciling

Question:

Answered on 04/13/06:

Secondly, you need to understand what a tough profession that you’re in. Being a minister, you become a target of not only the devil, but of people. It’s human nature in some ways to find comfort when a minister fails or falls or something bad happens to them because sometimes people feel that they deserve it. You are constantly giving out and you’re constantly trying to help and serve other people and the pressure can be enormous when you’re trying to minister to other people and to help them when in your own home you’re not able to enjoy the peace and the love that God has intended for marriage.

So, what do you do in that situation? Do you fight for a woman who has already left you in her heart and already divorced you in her heart? Or do you let her go and trust God that He will, in His time, bring somebody else to you? Well, you stand for her to receive the love and the grace and the goodness that she deserves. That’s what you do. You pray for her to receive the love.

The Bible says that we’re to pray for our enemies. How much more, if we’re to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for our spouse who may seem like an enemy at that moment? Pray for her. Pray that God would bless her. Pray that God would bring to her the love that she’s longed for and that you would be the one who God could use to bring that. But if you can’t bring that to her, then pray that God would bring to her the person that can. To me, that is unselfish love.

First of all, you pray and you seek God and you ask God to change you so that you’re capable of doing that. And then, worst-case scenario, if she doesn’t believe you can do that, then pray that God would bless her in that way and that God would give her the desire of her heart. In the meantime, nobody should ever consider divorce that doesn’t first go through extensive counseling together with a trained Christian marriage psychologist. Nobody should ever go through a divorce or consider separation or divorce until going through that deep process of counseling. So, if I were you, I wouldn’t grant her the divorce or I wouldn’t acknowledge the divorce until she was willing to go through some intensive counseling with you and a Christian counselor to really exhaust every possible way to restore that relationship. And if it cannot be restored, at that point and only at that point, you move on.

I would go back to her and say, “I want to get marriage counseling and see if we can find what both of us need in this relationship. Just be willing to go to 3 or 4 months of counseling with me. If we can make it, then great. If not, you’ll never hear from me again other than in relationship to our children. That’s what I would do if I were you. But I wouldn’t fight for it any further than that because she’s already left you. She’s already gone.

Let me tell you something that’s very important that we need to understand. When Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, Adam didn’t have to sin. And when Eve walked away from God, when she sinned, the Bible says that she was going to die. Adam should have just let Eve die. And God would have given Adam a better wife; another wife who would not have made a decision to listen to the devil rather than listen to God.

Divorce » General

Question:

Answered on 04/12/06:

Again, this all stems from being in a relationship with someone you shouldn’t have been with in the first place. So why compound the problem by staying in a relationship with someone that you shouldn’t have been in a relationship to begin with? Had you sought God’s direction, you wouldn’t have married that person to begin with. Had you done things God’s way, you wouldn’t have married that person to begin with, so don’t stay in the prison of an abusive relationship in order to try to honor marriage, when really you didn’t honor God to begin with because you didn’t follow His way of identifying what is a healthy relationship and what is not.